Behind Kevin's Back

I love this one...

Behind Kevin's Back

Mommy walked in, only to find Kevin sticking something in his mouth...
“What do you have there Kevin?” She asked as Kevin quickly put his hands behind his back.
“Nothing.” Kevin said coughing.
“Kevin,” Mommy asked “Do you have some drugs or alcohol behind your back? That is bad. You are big trouble mister!”
As Mommy approached Kevin she noticed a white substance around Kevin’s mouth.
“Kevin, are you drooling?” she said.
Mommy grabbed Kevin by the arm and pulled it out from behind his back.
“Are those spider webs!?!?!?” Mommy yelled.
Kevin coughed and said “Yep.”
For a split second, Mommy wished that she had caught Kevin with drugs.

Coupons

An ode to love, nay an ode to marriage...this is how my wife and I "flirt" all the time...I love you honey.

Coupons

“Honey, I’m going to the store. Do you have any coupons?”
“Nope. But I wish I had a coupon for some onions.”
“Onions!?! Why onions?”
“So I can rub them in your eyes…like this!!!!”
…And then his wife lunged from the couch, freshly chopped onions in her hand, and smeared them all in her husbands’ eyes.
They would play pranks on each other like this all of the time.

Plaque

“Blast it my teeth hurt!” Joe said with pain on his face.
“What’s wrong,” Greg said “Have you brushed your teeth recently?”
“Not in about 6 months.” Joe said as he pulled up his lip to show Greg the yellow glow of nearly 4 inches of plaque build up covering Joe’s teeth.
“Ugh!” Greg said beginning to taste throw up in his mouth.

New Constitution

An older pome, but a dedication to the gun I bought this weekend.

New Constitution

We the people of the free lands,
Beckon to thee on this glorious day,
Striving for freedom, striving for nature,
Denying all liability of any wrong doing on behalf of the sword,
From hence forth doth love to draw,
Come death or torture,
Until the bitter end.
The first Amendment:
Every living creature has a right to bear arms; meaning that they can have bear arms instead of human arms.

Log Cabin

If beavers could talk,
I’d hire them to build my log cabin,
Over hiring 30 lumberjacks.
5 beavers could probably do the work of 30 lumberjacks,
By my calculations.

Autograph

This may be the first public 'viewing' of this bad boy right huRR...I like it.

Autograph

A famous rock star asked me "Where would you like my autograph?"
"Right here on my butt! Your music is crap!" I said, pulling down my pants.
Then he jammed a glossy 8x10 photo, a Sharpie, and 3 backstage passes up my bottom.
I winced as he said "Enjoy."

AutograA

Silverware Suit

Walking aimlessly around the airport,
Setting off one metal detector after another,
Officers pat me down,
They find nothing.
Finally, I explain to them that my “business” suit is actually a bunch of forks, knives, and spoons welded together.

It's

One of my personal favs...

It’s

Mean as an alligator,
Stank as opossum breath,
It’s good ol’ Ted.
Friend to all animals and talks to soda cans.
Banana tattoo on his right arm,
Ted can turn invisible.

Body Farming

I’m trying to get into farming, but no one will sell me any land.
I decide to cut holes, ½ inch apart, up and down the right side of my body.
I planted some seed and some how it worked.
Now I grow everything from tomatoes to soy beans on my person.
I’m a big industry.

Spibble

Spibble

Spibble, Spabble,
Razzle, Dazzle,
Cliff, Spit up, Walrus.
A chant, a curse, a bad luck verse,
Choke to death on a bar of chocolate.
(Hum? A failed attempt at rhyming walrus and chocolate.)

Read My Palm

I love insulting 'Fortune Tellers'.

Read my Palm

Read my palm,
Tell me my future.
Read my lips,
You’re a fraud.
You can read my future about as well as you can read my dung.
How about this…
What am I thinking about right now?
And then I fart in their face.

Pencil Me In

So obscure, so awesome! It has no meaning at all, was just a funny thing I thought of while using the bathroom at AmSouth Bank (Now Regions...)...thanks for the inspiration.

Pencil Me In

Pencil me in for that eight o’clock appointment,
I’ll go ahead and tell you,
I’m gonna be running about twenty minutes late,
But hold that spot until I’m done at the brewery.

Brep

This was also just before the 'Impossible Test'. Another of my personal favs, as well as my brothers. It was during this period of my poetry writing that I became enthralled with making up senseless words...excuse me, making up a new awesome language of obscure words and phrases.

Brep

Children,
Meaning.
Brep,
No meaning.
Is that all there is to it?
Real sentence.
Brep chumb stalic anteep.
Not a real sentence.

Made Up Words And Thier Definitions

This 'diamond in the rough' was crafted right before 'The Impossible Test'...it too has been requested numerous times. While not quite as popular as the aforementioned 'Impossible Test', it stands on it's own as a poetic masterpiece.

Made up Words and their Definitions

Bicky- the act of vomiting in public
Natchwood- a place of danger
Tapschong- Red colored water
Redarp- drawing a sword
Flot- the opposite of vegetable
Drickett- the act of shaving a dog

Splinters

From the request line...big shout outs to wifey...

Splinters

I play football,
But I’m no good.
I ride the pine, last one off the bench.
The starters make fun of my lack of p.t. (playing time).
Jimmy, Max, and even Betty play before me.
Sam gets to play and he doesn’t even have legs!
This is unfair.
With two games left in the season, I become the bench.
I give everyone splinters.

Poll Results

Results are in...Apparently, nearly half of the pollsters agree that indeed 'Poultry' is the answer to "Have you ever laughed so hard that you ruptured a kidney?"...boy the readers of this blog are complete morons!?!?! That doesn't even make any sense!?!?! Go away and read someone else's blog.