Hey Fam...Sorry Its Been a While...

Hey ya'll, thank you for patiently waiting whilest I have been experiencing technical difficulties...
And now back to the stupidity!

Behind Kevin's Back

I love this one...

Behind Kevin's Back

Mommy walked in, only to find Kevin sticking something in his mouth...
“What do you have there Kevin?” She asked as Kevin quickly put his hands behind his back.
“Nothing.” Kevin said coughing.
“Kevin,” Mommy asked “Do you have some drugs or alcohol behind your back? That is bad. You are big trouble mister!”
As Mommy approached Kevin she noticed a white substance around Kevin’s mouth.
“Kevin, are you drooling?” she said.
Mommy grabbed Kevin by the arm and pulled it out from behind his back.
“Are those spider webs!?!?!?” Mommy yelled.
Kevin coughed and said “Yep.”
For a split second, Mommy wished that she had caught Kevin with drugs.

Coupons

An ode to love, nay an ode to marriage...this is how my wife and I "flirt" all the time...I love you honey.

Coupons

“Honey, I’m going to the store. Do you have any coupons?”
“Nope. But I wish I had a coupon for some onions.”
“Onions!?! Why onions?”
“So I can rub them in your eyes…like this!!!!”
…And then his wife lunged from the couch, freshly chopped onions in her hand, and smeared them all in her husbands’ eyes.
They would play pranks on each other like this all of the time.

Plaque

“Blast it my teeth hurt!” Joe said with pain on his face.
“What’s wrong,” Greg said “Have you brushed your teeth recently?”
“Not in about 6 months.” Joe said as he pulled up his lip to show Greg the yellow glow of nearly 4 inches of plaque build up covering Joe’s teeth.
“Ugh!” Greg said beginning to taste throw up in his mouth.

New Constitution

An older pome, but a dedication to the gun I bought this weekend.

New Constitution

We the people of the free lands,
Beckon to thee on this glorious day,
Striving for freedom, striving for nature,
Denying all liability of any wrong doing on behalf of the sword,
From hence forth doth love to draw,
Come death or torture,
Until the bitter end.
The first Amendment:
Every living creature has a right to bear arms; meaning that they can have bear arms instead of human arms.

Log Cabin

If beavers could talk,
I’d hire them to build my log cabin,
Over hiring 30 lumberjacks.
5 beavers could probably do the work of 30 lumberjacks,
By my calculations.

Autograph

This may be the first public 'viewing' of this bad boy right huRR...I like it.

Autograph

A famous rock star asked me "Where would you like my autograph?"
"Right here on my butt! Your music is crap!" I said, pulling down my pants.
Then he jammed a glossy 8x10 photo, a Sharpie, and 3 backstage passes up my bottom.
I winced as he said "Enjoy."

AutograA

Silverware Suit

Walking aimlessly around the airport,
Setting off one metal detector after another,
Officers pat me down,
They find nothing.
Finally, I explain to them that my “business” suit is actually a bunch of forks, knives, and spoons welded together.

It's

One of my personal favs...

It’s

Mean as an alligator,
Stank as opossum breath,
It’s good ol’ Ted.
Friend to all animals and talks to soda cans.
Banana tattoo on his right arm,
Ted can turn invisible.

Body Farming

I’m trying to get into farming, but no one will sell me any land.
I decide to cut holes, ½ inch apart, up and down the right side of my body.
I planted some seed and some how it worked.
Now I grow everything from tomatoes to soy beans on my person.
I’m a big industry.

Spibble

Spibble

Spibble, Spabble,
Razzle, Dazzle,
Cliff, Spit up, Walrus.
A chant, a curse, a bad luck verse,
Choke to death on a bar of chocolate.
(Hum? A failed attempt at rhyming walrus and chocolate.)

Read My Palm

I love insulting 'Fortune Tellers'.

Read my Palm

Read my palm,
Tell me my future.
Read my lips,
You’re a fraud.
You can read my future about as well as you can read my dung.
How about this…
What am I thinking about right now?
And then I fart in their face.

Pencil Me In

So obscure, so awesome! It has no meaning at all, was just a funny thing I thought of while using the bathroom at AmSouth Bank (Now Regions...)...thanks for the inspiration.

Pencil Me In

Pencil me in for that eight o’clock appointment,
I’ll go ahead and tell you,
I’m gonna be running about twenty minutes late,
But hold that spot until I’m done at the brewery.

Brep

This was also just before the 'Impossible Test'. Another of my personal favs, as well as my brothers. It was during this period of my poetry writing that I became enthralled with making up senseless words...excuse me, making up a new awesome language of obscure words and phrases.

Brep

Children,
Meaning.
Brep,
No meaning.
Is that all there is to it?
Real sentence.
Brep chumb stalic anteep.
Not a real sentence.

Made Up Words And Thier Definitions

This 'diamond in the rough' was crafted right before 'The Impossible Test'...it too has been requested numerous times. While not quite as popular as the aforementioned 'Impossible Test', it stands on it's own as a poetic masterpiece.

Made up Words and their Definitions

Bicky- the act of vomiting in public
Natchwood- a place of danger
Tapschong- Red colored water
Redarp- drawing a sword
Flot- the opposite of vegetable
Drickett- the act of shaving a dog

Splinters

From the request line...big shout outs to wifey...

Splinters

I play football,
But I’m no good.
I ride the pine, last one off the bench.
The starters make fun of my lack of p.t. (playing time).
Jimmy, Max, and even Betty play before me.
Sam gets to play and he doesn’t even have legs!
This is unfair.
With two games left in the season, I become the bench.
I give everyone splinters.

Poll Results

Results are in...Apparently, nearly half of the pollsters agree that indeed 'Poultry' is the answer to "Have you ever laughed so hard that you ruptured a kidney?"...boy the readers of this blog are complete morons!?!?! That doesn't even make any sense!?!?! Go away and read someone else's blog.

Hard Times

There's something about this one that kills me...it just seems like something is missing and comes to an immediate end...i love it! It needs a picture, but I had to get this one out there...picture to come.

Hard Times

United we stand here with the turtle,
He’s fallen upon hard times.

I Dare You...

The first time this one was read aloud, a bunch of us literally laughed for about 15 minutes. It is completely and utterly, dumb and gross...yet so funny that I hurt from laughing every time I read it. It's best if read very slowly, soaking in one line at a time.

I dare you…

I dare you to back talk Mad Jack,
I dare you to touch that chainsaw,
I dare you to slap the turtle,
I dare you to drink Brett’s pee.

Quit Hitting Me

Jim and Marshall are walking through the grocery store,
Both are humans.
Jim turns to Marshall and says sternly,
“If you don’t quit hitting me with that thing, I’m gonna cut it off.”
Marshall’s tail kept slapping Jim in the back of the head.
Marshall always wanted a tail.

Angry Dwarves

Angry words,
From angry dwarves, spitting at me.
Calling me names,
Flicking cigarette ashes in my direction.
I warn them,
Then I grab my hatchet.

Cordially Invited

You are cordially invited to attend my 6th birthday party,
There will be cake, balloons, and clowns.
Bring a friend,
Bring a gun,
Bring a bayonet;
We will reenact a scene from the civil war after I blow out the candles.

Bobby's Joke About the Cinnamon Bun

Selfishly, I'm posting this one because its one of my personal favs...

Bobby’s Joke About the Cinnamon Bun
“Bobby, tell them the joke about the cinnamon bun!”
“No way Rich! That joke stinks.”
“Come on man! It kills me!”
“Yeah, it kills me to.”
“Ill never ask again.”
“Sigh…Okay…so this guy has this huge cinnamon bun…”
Just as Bobby got this sentence out of his mouth, Rich kicked him between the legs.
Bobby bent over, face in his hand, holding his mid section.
“He says cinnamon bun and then whoever is closest kicks him in the groin!!!! How funny is that!?!?!” Rich said laughing.
“Not very funny for the person telling the joke, that’s for sure.”
Bobby said from his knees, face turning purple.

Training Wheels

This was request by some mysterious 'poster' going by the moniker of "Scriventhorpe"...I'm not sure who the heck this unknown moron is, but I'm assuming it's either A) My brother or B) Josh...mainly because those are the only 2 people I could think of that have ever read this one. Regardless, its a good one. SO... fresh from the request line, I give you, said, 'Training Wheels'.


Training Wheels
Alright, its time to take them off.
Dad, will you stand in front of the mailbox?
Sure.
Off go the training wheels,
Off goes Little Joey,
Headed straight for dad…
Headed straight for the mailbox.
As he approaches dad,
Dad jumps out of the way and Little Joey slams into the mailbox,
Cutting his lip, skinning his knees and shattering the mailbox into pieces.
As dad helps Little Joey up, tears running down his little face, dad says “Son, first of all that’s not our mailbox. You’re going to have to explain what happened to the owners. Secondly, what you just did may be considered a felony; yet you’ve got to learn to accept your punishment even if that means jail time. And thirdly, you just pedaled 50 feet on your own…Im dang proud of you.”

Lore

Another fav of my brothers. At one point this Pome was only 1 sentence, that would have Heath and I rolling! I added a little more for dramatic effect...At first, it was only "Well look what the cat drug in...old Charlie." After reading which we would both pee ourselves.

Lore
Well look what the cat drug in…old Charlie.
Rumor has it Charlie once got lost in the woods for two whole weeks and was forced to eat himself to survive.

The Garden

I'm pretty sure this is my brothers favorite. I haven't been with him a time he hasn't read it and nearly had a seizure from laughing. It's pretty funny, I guess.

The Garden
Betty has a beautiful garden.
Pansies, roses, lambs ear, as far as the eye can see.
She invites me over for tea and berries.
We go out to the garden.
I turn to Betty and say, “Gee! The garden looks great!”
I lean over and smell one of the flowers.
As I smell, I think to myself, “Don’t you smell too hard, or you’ll sniff up the whole garden.”
Right then…
“Woops!”
I turn to Betty, dirt falling out of my nose, and offer an apology.

Good Deal

A classic from Pomes 1.

Good Deal
I need a new refrigerator…
So I go to the store.
It must be my lucky day, because the cashier can’t read.
I tell him the ‘frige is on sell for fifty cents.
I think to myself, “I have to take advantage of this guy more often!”
Including tax, the sale was Fifty-three cents.

Dead Dog

This is a more recent one and actually one of my personal favs...not many of them do I actually laugh out loud at, but this one gets me nearly every time...for some strange, dumb, meaningless reason.

Dead Dog
Brad looked at me, fighting back a tear,
“Your dog just got hit by a car.” He said.
“Awww!” I replied, “Which one?”
“Flippy.” He said.
I replied, “That’s alright, I have a thousand dogs.”

The Impossible Test...

One of the most popular 'pomes' I've written in recent years, was this gem. The story behind it goes like this...my brother-in-law (Logan) came to me complaining about a pop quiz one of his teachers threw on him as a freshman in college. During the conversation, many times he mentioned just how 'impossible' it was...as he continued to 'vent', I kept laughing to myself as all of these questions kept popping into my head. A few days later I emailed him and said, 'You thought that test you had was impossible???? Try this one.' And the rest is history. I've had more requests for this one over the last few years than anything I've ever written. Read, enjoy, pass it on. Good luck!

PS- I couldn't think of a picture to put with this one...you will shortly see why.

The Impossible Test
Pop Quiz:

1. Can you eat my numbers?
2. Is this (Point to yourself.) a tarbotch? Define.
3. What is the square root of sausage? Show your work.
4. What is the distance between the bridge and my penguin?
5. Is the word hobetanstabert a noun?
6. Plipa-plipa ladenhat crash? True or False.
7. If Don is the customer, how often is his face smashed in?
8. Repeat this statement: “Blop, hickey belt, cletch, the dozen”. Unscramble and spell the word pilgrim.
9. Rubber Lips keeps sneezing. What’s the diagnosis?
10. Riddle: When can oysters be poisonous and make you itch?
11. Explain the coffin dance.
12. There are 27 swords in the river, Joey takes and eats 1 sword; then he eats a snake. Why?
13. Name the substance that is created when you mix: 6 hairs from the head of you grandmother, 8 gallons of mayonnaise, some Kool-Aid (Your own amount), 3 crushed almonds, and some (Up to, but not in excess of 100) stones. Is it a two celled organism?

Bonus: Try to replace your arm with a sandwich and live like that for a week…for 5 extra points on your final score.

Answers:

1. Trick question.
2. No. A stack of paper towels covered in dog’s blood.
3. Bickle. 3+3x-871(65)= yx(Charlie OshKosh)
4. It depends. Are we on Earth?
5. It’s made up. It means nothing. Nothing at all.
6. Nope.
7. Not sure what that means.
8. Unless can you spell “pilgrim” as opkelbz…it can’t be done.
9. Is Rubber Lips a guy’s name? Is he human? Is he an object? …I’d say the roach disease.
10. When they are covered with anything poisonous and poison ivy on top. But you have to eat it.
11. Where you grab your face and throw it back in forth, while playing a banjo…oh, you have to be dancing too. Dancing like your hula-hooping.
12. This is one of the all-time mysteries.
13. Turtleboxingstick; X-Ray vision juice. No it is not an organism at all and I’ve NEVER turned invisible from consuming it.

My names Jim, but call me X

Jim decided he wanted to go by “X” ( as in the letter x),
People would ask “Jim, why X?”,
He’d answer “Shut up!” and grab them by the head.
He then proceeded to draw a big, fat X in permanent marker
On their forehead.
Then he’d say, in a threatening tone “That’s why! Eat it!”
He’d been doing it since he was a child.

Counting

So, there I was counting…
But I wasn’t using numbers.
Joe, cotton, pencil, spinach.
Four.

Duck Pants

They’re soft.
They’re feathery.
They have a beak.
They have webbed feet and a zipper.
They are mallard.
Jim is walking through the mall,
He sees Suzzy.
Suzzy comes up and asks, “Jim, are those new duck pants?”
Jim smiles,
Then he looks at Suzzy, dead serious, and says,
“Nope, they’re just regular pants.”
Lying is funny.

First Of All

Hello and welcome to Pomes The Blog! I know, I know, it's well overdue. A lot of ya'll know about the books that I wrote in college, but since then, I have been stockpiling a ton of Pomes, most which hasn't been read by the public. Yes, these dumb thoughts still come to me, although they are a lot more organized than several years ago. A lot of the 'poetry' actually kind of even makes some sort of sense now!

Hopefully, on a weekly basis (if not daily), myself and Johnny 'Dawgpound' Crisp (whom I've invited to join with me on this adventure...he was an originator, as well as Caleb *read the first post) will be taking you on a literary journey of magical proportions! Frequently, I will be adding previous 'classics' and newer ones as well.

You probably noticed the address of the blog is "Streetpomes (.blogspot.com)" and I feel the need to give the importance of its meaning to me. In the previous post, I mentioned a 'talent show' that I was involved in (video of which will hopefully be posted soon), in which I read from the first edition of Pomes and then did something (some of you may remember) that I called 'Street Karate'...which was basically me pretending to beat up invisible foes, using made up karate moves. Anyway, that was a pretty successful program for me and since the address "Pomes" was taken, I thought it was appropriate.

This is a blog! You are encouraged to post your own! You can also email Dawgpound or myself and if we deem it acceptable, will post your 'Pomes' as well! Send your friends!!!! We want some traffic in this mug!

*Also note the picture that I so eloquently crafted on my 'Paint' program of a picture of my first literary hit "Duck Pants"...Bloggers are encouraged to make cheesy title pics of their Pomes! Hopefully I can get some shirts designed soon.

I also encourage you (the reader of this blog) to check out Drew at www.toothpastefordinner.com as he was a huge encouragement for me to finally get this thing going...it turns out I'm not the only moron doing this kind of stuff after all!

Holla Fam!

Hay-z Mr. X

The Beginning

In the fall of 1999, an idiot sat in his room laughing to himself about some dumb, meaningless banter, discernible only by another idiot of this caliber. As pointless thought after pointless thought entered his temporal lobe and bled onto the 'canvas' in front of him, the more he, himself realized that these were...the most stupid, yet golden thoughts that had ever been streamed together in the history of man kind.

Weeks past and more paper had been gone to 'waste' by his idiocy, yet another young, enthusiastic, moron caught on this brilliant avenue to channel undiagnosed adult ADD. Legend has it that the two (2) would spend hours writing, normally while defecating in their suite bathroom, in what has only been referred to as 'The Fat Pad'. Filled with pointless and often times random, incoherent, offensive 'poetry', it's value today would be in the $100 millions. Unfortunately, the parchment was probably lost in a dorm move or possible vandalizing. Yet, this was the beginning of a literary genius.

Eventually, word got out that these brilliant minds were concocting poetry only rivaled by Walt Whitman in their dorm lavatory. One, especially inquisitive mind, happened to need use of the 'service' while visiting on a study venture. After an hour in the lavatory, the 2 began to wonder what the problem was. Upon breaking into the restroom, the 2 found the third flipping through the aforementioned document (The Fat Pad), and he had nearly died from lack of air supply, not from the gaseous reek of his defecation, but from loss of air from laughter.

Moments after the third exited the restroom, he had an ingenious plan: Let's type some of these things up, print them in the university computer lab (thank you 'general fund') and sell them for $1...it's 100% profit! The rest, as they say, is history. 500 of the first addition sold, notably marketed in the first idiots showing at a local talent show.

The success of the first publication, "Pomes", was so widely embraced that a second was immediately in the works. Unfortunately, word of the success of the book, also brought detractors. Government officials (ie, university staff) , chastised the trio on the grounds of 'soliciting'. Which led to sales of the second edition being pushed from backpacks like crack in the Memphis public school system. While the second edition still garnered moderate success (300 sold at $2 per), it never did live up to its predecessor.

A third edition, was leaked to the public in the winter of 2001, but with the struggling economic conditions, was met with mixed reviews.

Today the idiots continue writing, primarily at work in between clients or during restroom breaks. As they have matured in age, conversely, so has their writing. Now focusing on topics such as eating objects and talking to various animals.

One thing that hasn't changed over the years is their ability to connect to the reader, to connect to you; through not only the linguistic style, but through real world issues.

Please read and enjoy! Submit your pointless thought.